Little did I know

I'm a bit of a stalker.

We live a bit out of the way, so if I have the chance to "get to know" someone, I do it, even if only virtually!

This morning as my minion stalkers were "doing research" we happened upon a website that plainly, clearly called me out- It gave statistics on why missionaries go "home" , as this ministry is working to lessen the numbers of families/couples/individuals who come to a far away land to share of the Father's love, only to spend years in the process of praying, selling, training, praying, making new homes, language learning, STRUGGLING, praying, and hopefully, ministering in the name of Jesus to those who have not heard of His great love- and then they leave. unplanned, embarrassed, scared and confused.

There is a LOT of time, energy and expense poured into an invaluable goal… proclaiming the gospel is worth it all- but are our goals being met??

As I read over this website, I was brutally convicted-
I had heard that the number one reason missionaries leave prematurely is because of conflict amongst other missionaries… and I agree, living among other passionately 'called' people is challenging some days.

But today I read that they don't leave earlier than planned because of sickness, lack of funds or persecution as often as they leave because of personal spiritual discipline, marriage and parenting struggles, team dynamics and a lack of ability to engage with their host culture…

Wow.

I'm not leaving Burkina, but boy do I feel my lack of personal spiritual discipline…

I share this because I almost haven't realized that surviving in a harsh environment drives me to my knees in prayer, but unfortunately I rarely am able to grab hold of the Truth of God's word and the comfort of His love for myself.  I can speak of it, shine His truth on the dark situations in the lives of my neighbors, but I have to confess that I am in a sinking little tug boat- and I know that I'm not alone!

I don't want to allow the distractions, interruptions and busy-ness to lure me away from my Father and His word!  He is working miracles around me, and somehow I have thought that if I don't answer the door, I am failing the proclamation of the gospel… as if it depends on me!?!  So silly...

As I type, I am reminded of the encouragement we often receive, "Ministry is what happens in the interruptions!!"  This is very true but can also be debilitating.  It's not an option to be so available to my neighbors, my kids, my church or whatever, that I don't have my source of strength firmly engaged…

For our first 10 months here, we had weekly conversations about the very real possibility of not making it.  Those conversations are few and far between now, and we are firmly and joyfully committed to the work that the Lord so graciously places before us each day- but wow, were we in a bad spot- for a long time…

Not talking about it, or talking about it doesn't really seem to make a marked difference, when you have to pass every second in a place of discomfort, fear, uncertainty, confusion…  I've just found that it is brutal to feel like I can't be honest.

If you are called, you will be happy.
If you are sick, just go home… um, we are sick regularly- there are five of us, if it's not some horrendous thing on our skin, it's tummy troubles, or headaches from the thick saharan dust that we attempt to breathe while sweating profusely trying to fill barrels to filter water to rehydrate ourselves from all our lost fluids through sweat!  I say all of it with a smile- because God is amazing and He has allowed us to see things we ached to know of when we were soaking up the luxuries of our former North American life.

Little did I know!

Sometimes life feels precarious because it IS